Extremely difficult for someone like me. The Chronic Reactor. Not unlike the nuclear sort...with varying degrees of fallout and meltdowns. Myself and/or those lucky enough to be around during an episode.
Over the last few months I’ve been paying close attention not only to my reaction behaviors but also to the behaviors of others. And, I’m glad to report that...(drum roll)...I’m NOT the only “flagrant” reactor.
‘Cuz, I guess there’s nothing like company.
Usually, “our” type [of behavior] happens in this order (but not necessarily in rapid succession): Speak (React). Listen. Respect. Suspend. And it may be DAYS or even years between.
So. I’ve made a lot (train-loads) of apologies over my life. Recent (some less so than others due to my slow realization) ones made for things (some little, some big) done decades ago. Not all have been done in person because some people I’ve lost touch with or ties were severed for whatever circumstance. So. To those I’ve hurt or offended, I offer my sorry to the Universe...and I have faith that it’s blessing force will get to them. Eventually.
Forgiveness is all in my head (and heart), after all. My forgiveness toward others and, most often, others’ forgiveness toward me. Writing serves as my catalyst for contrition. I release emotionally and physically through the act of writing. Moving my fingers rapidly on the keyboard or (a much slower form) gliding a pen across paper. Whatever blossoms may or may not be seen by another set of eyes (and, most of the time, is inconsequential...) but the piece of mind that I get is weighty BEYOND words. Spoken or written.
Matrika. Powerful beyond measure. The radical effect of the WORD. The mother of connecting with the One and each other. Some words are so powerful that simply THINKING them has the power to impart energetic transformation. Be careful what you say and think...keep it True, Kind, Necessary and Life Affirming. Steer away from negatives when you can.
Never has there been a more difficult practice than “watching my words”. And, even as I observe, them I sometimes don’t change the outcome.
:/ But, I’m getting better. Slowly. It’s a practice for a lifetime...or twenty.
I look forward to opportunities to stop...sometimes mid-thought...and retrace it BACK to the beginning. Changing the entire composition, sometimes. Whoa.
Radical. Radical. RADICAL work. Transforming and relinquishing conditioned behaviors. Good stuff.